Having started this journey of my life in 1978, it has been pretty interesting till now. Life has gradually molded, shaped and made me grow to more and more closer to who am I. It has been an illuminating journey of the discovery of self, and it shall continue till that last breath.
During my school days I knew I was born to be a software engineer. Physics and Computers were my pet subjects. I needed scientific explanation for each and everything in life. Life was like an equation to be solved, based on rules already laid. I remember I hated history, arts, language or any other humanitarian subjects. Life was all about science and technology.
The stint continued in my engineering college. I was growing to be a nerd, for whom life is all about Unix system programing, C++, Java...etc etc..
Well, I got what I wanted - a job in a highly technological company, working in mission critical next generation stuffs.
It was around the year 2005 when my interests started shifting away from technology, and I got more and more interested towards spiritual pursuits. Questions like who am I, what is purpose, who is God, etc, kept me occupied. I started reading lot in such subjects. All these thoughts started coming up in my head after I did my Landmark Education curriculum for living. I completed the Forum, Advanced Course and the Self Expression and Leadership Program. This course was a quantum jump in my consciousness. I still venerate Landmark Education! This is a US based organization which specializes on training and development on life engineering. The course is a contemplative journey on human philosophy.
Later, my interest grew deep into Spirituality - Vedantic, Tantric, Christian Mysticism, Sufism, etc. Also I went to a few godmen, and tried out their techniques to reach God - :)
I was also drawn towards the new age authors just after my landmark education times. There was a phase of life for the entire 2009 and beginning of 2010 when I was totally submerged in these books of new age authors, and spirituality. It was during this phase, I read many books of Dr. Wayne Dyer, Dr. Deepak Chopra, Eckhard Tolle, Louise Hay, Esther and Jerry Hicks, Khalil Gibran, Osho Rajneesh, Ram Dass, Ramana Maharishi, etc.
I have noticed an interesting shift in my consciousness from my early childhood days, to the time i did my landmark, and by the end of 2010, having read most of the New Age literature. In my childhood, I was an introvert, and a loner. Same thing continued till my college days and my way of being before the influence of Landmark and New Age. I was sort of a person who had a withdrawing tendency. I was an extreme narcissist - always closed in my way of thinking. That had an interesting plus point too. I was all by myself, and never depended on others :). Actually I always lacked faith and I very well knew if I have to survive in this life, I will have to grow my own potentialities within me, and there will be no help from outside. I was sort of a loner, and lacked my relatedness to others. I used to live in a prison shunning myself from others for help and support. For me, it was all about myself. Interestingly, I also had the propensity to help others. I always used to be that nice person, who can never say NO. That was always an interesting place of being. I knew there was no relatedness with the other person with whom I am dealing, but still I would help him whole heartedly. Since the separateness was never resolved, I hardly was able to connect to any one. But on social level, I was very acceptable and had a helping attitude.
It was during my landmark transformation days, that I realized that I was being a narcissists. Their distinctions of racquet, strong suits, living in a zone, stories, etc really helped me to see inside my mind, and catch myself red-handed. I started openly relating to people from then. I started becoming very social, and really loving. But interestingly the sort of love I was radiating out was a sado-masochistic love - a symbiotic attachment. I became an extrovert, and was able to recognize the slime of my mind. This helped me to understand people better. I was freed from the stories inside my mind which distorted the reality. Also I started giving more importance to relativism and subjective interpretation. I started seeing the meaninglessness of an absolute judgement about things, as there are many perspective to the same, and I could find a bring perspective always. My further journey with the New Age, re-affirmed the same attitude in myself. I become a socially gregarious person, with a good communication skill, and was able to openly relate to one and all. All these transformations took about 8 years. During this time I was either very actively involved in Landmark education, or was totally into New Age literature.
It was during this time, when although I was extremely social and positive, I was at the same time of a receptive personality type. I started depending too much on the outside world for my happiness. I have tried to explain the same in my article - http://criativ-mind.blogspot.in/2012/02/unconditionality-farce.html. I was a gregarious person, but somehow had lost that internal strength that I once had when I was a loner in my college days. During my college days I was very arrogant about myself. I was a very bright student, and the entire hostel depended on me for the project work, and explaining the difficult concepts of the computer science engineering. Even I used to tutor my seniors. It was in my college days 1998-2002 that I knew I was the best, and people around me are lesser mortals. But later with life experiences, failures and tough times, I was humbled. The New Age added fuel to the fire. I lost my pride of self, almost entirely. I used to label myself as a "means", a "medium", etc. Everything was ignoring the self, in the name of "transcending the ego". This increased my dependance on the outside world for love, strength and happiness - mostly people in my life - my family, friends, etc.
Since February 2010, my interests started shifting towards Psychology, Anthropology, Sociology, Evolutionary Psychology. I became deeply influenced by the intensive works of Mihály Csíkszentmihályi, Carl Jung, Howard Gardner, Sigmund Freud, and Martin Seligman. For the entire 2010 and most part of 2011, I was into positive psychology, synchronicity, psychoanalysis, evolutionary biology, cognitive psychology, etc. I started rationalizing each and everything from the eyes of an evolution theory. Books like the Moral Animal, The Social Animal, Origin of Species, etc helped me to give me answers to my most pressed questions. Evolution theory was helping me to find answers to my questions and inconsistencies I was facing being a man without his self, totally clinging on to others for his own strengths. Interestingly my weakness was totally being hidden from myself.
I was always interested in leadership and management. I had been trying to get into an international MBA since long. It was during the year 2011 that I got into MBA program of Claremont University. I was all set to pursue my further research in positive psychology. I knew this is my way to go. I was deeply interested in the works of Mihaly and Seligman in positive psychology. I wanted to do my work in the field of organization devolpment, applying the principles of positive psychology.
Well, life had an interesting turn by the end of 2011. I could not get into the Claremont University. I had some financial constraints, which came up in the last moment. Having booked my seat, I had to forgo the same. It was during then, I realized the law of attraction, New Age, Power of intention, etc are all farce.
There was a vacuum in my life for couple of months, which I was vehemently trying to fill in with something new. It was during these times of search, I bumped upon New Acropolis. This is an international school on classical philosophy. This was a fresh new wave which I quickly identified with. This did not have the superficiality of New Age. It made me think more, taking me to the ancient Greece, Egypt, Rome, Indology, etc. I joined New Acropolis in October 2011. I started liking it very much.
It was through New Acropolis, that I was introduced to Erich Fromm, through his book - "The art of loving". A new tide had come to my life. The masks that I had unconsciously worn started breaking off. I was exposed to the Humanistic Philosophy, and started realizing the importance of knowing my self. I started realizing that self was importance.
Today is February 3, 2012. We have the house warming ceremony for our new flat. I am at a place today, where being is more important than having or doing. I am going deep into the philosophy of Erich Fromm. Also that is being complemented with my scholastic pursuits into Sanathan Dharma, ancient Greek Philosophy, and the coaching at the New Acropolis. I think I am in the right way. For the first time I am realizing what is the true way to reduce one's separateness to others - both men and nature. I would like to quote a stanza form Erich Fromm's book - Man for himself - An inquiry into psychology of ethics -
Love is the productive form of relatedness to others and to oneself. It implies responsibility, care, respect and knowledge, and the wish for other person to grow and develop. It is the expression of intimacy between two human beings under the condition of preservation of each other's integrity.
I have started maintaining a scrap book for myself. I write the philosophies I learn, and try to depict them in form of abstract art. That is making things really more interesting.
Today I am living a new life, which is better than the past lives of New Age, Landmark, Spirituality, etc. I am going deep into classical philosophy, Karl Marx, Erich Fromm, and Humanistic Philosophy. I am identifying myself more through this process. I think I am closer to who I am intrinsically today.
I strongly believe that it is a shame to die without achieving some victory for humanity. I know I have set out to achieve such victory on my own way through scholastic pursuits in the subjects related to Classical Philosophy, Sociology, Psychology, History and the way Human civilizations have evolved, since last couple of years. I live as a software engineer in the morning, and as a Humanitarian interested in Philosophy, Psychology, Sociology, and Anthropology in the evening and holidays. This is helping me to discover who I am.
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