There is a deep need hard wired in us humans to be loved, understood, accepted, and appreciated. Of-course it helps being loved, cared and respected, as these create positive emotions, triggering most of human creativity, originality, ingenuity and wellbeing. Due to this obvious significance, natural selection probably has favored the sustenance of this need over eons of evolution.
Thinking from the perspective of a brain scientist, or an evolution biologist such a deep craving to be loved and understood by others looks like un-called for. This is because, in entirety, our perceptions of life, people and events are based on what tale our brain tells us about them. The way the brain responds, is dependent on many factors – starting from pure genetic aspect, to the developmental stage of the brain cells at a point of time, to the way the cells are morphed based on the impacts of the culture, and experience of the subject.
Due to these varied pivotal points, obviously the brain of a person is vastly different from that of another. Each of them carries its own physiological and memetic idiosyncrasies. This immediately leads into immense variety of perception, outlook and capacity of understanding. Even a particular brain evolves in a life span. Hence the understanding and perspective at one point of time of a particular human might markedly be different from that at some other point of time.
Given that the sense of reality is what is carved out by a human brain, each person has a different world of reality for her. So, every human being is like a carrier of genetic and memetic expressions in their brain – giving them totally unique perception of life. This as a result, makes it very difficult for a person to really understand another in its entirety.
Given this vast diversity in cognitive abilities, it is a misplaced expectation on the part of a person that she might be loved and accepted by others – no matter how close or far they are related as per any sociological constructs they are involved into, what society generally terms a relationship.
Given this state of affair, no wonder most of the relationships humans enter into – either with another human, or with an organization or with a vision, are deeply conditioned with mutual needs. Till one or more needs of both the parties involved are met, the understanding is found. The moment there is a non equilibrium of needs, the relationship starts losing its sheen. Darwin explains such a phenomenon as normal in the animal kingdom. One might be seduced to accept the same logic for evolution of humans. But I feel it might be oversimplification of humanity as such to extrapolate Darwinian Theory to human evolution. By the way, Darwin had no mention of mankind in his entire book – Origin of Species.
Is the situation that hopeless? Is there no way in which there can be a sustainable understanding and bond created among humans, or institutions, which are un-conditional, and the probability of understanding and love are heightened?
In an effort to bring into some order into this confusion of diversity, probably various man-made interventions are put into place. For example in corporate world, these interventions are placed as standard operating procedures, roles and responsibilities, vision and mission statements, goal settings, etc. This attempts to bring some form of commonality in which the issues at hand can be interpreted by the work force. In case of wider social contexts, such interventions are put in place by traditions, culture, religion, mythologies, folk beliefs and rituals.
Ethnologists and evolutionary biologists have experimentally proved that human mind is like a basin to suck in any sort of external influences. A context created by such interventions help the mind to think in a particular direction, and develop a particular cognitive perspective which empathizes with people of similar beliefs. So, in the stage of a corporate world, where there are well defined context created – in the form of various interventions of organizational behaviors – management of human relations are easier.
But in a bigger diverse group which is not homogenized by a common belief, organization goal, ritual, religion or a vision, it becomes highly difficult to maintain a homogenous perspective, which can help further understanding and love. Every individual of such a diverse group thinks and judges things differently, causing deep differences in perceiving the reality. This makes it daunting to create faith, bond, trust and a lasting relationship.
In the absence of such a formal discipline it is highly probable that a person is not understood, and is not loved in return. Even after prolonged effort, any attempt to make one to be understood, and loved mostly turns out futile.
Given this as the way humans are made, I take it as a useless enterprise to make people love you, or even expect people to understand you fully. In the name of social compassion and tolerance, I might be tolerated by others with a smile, but it is absolutely a lost war, if I work towards making others love me at their core. The creation of strong and deep bond between individuals cannot be forced on. It can however organically grow between people if there are common grounds discovered and appreciated mutually.
Sometimes deep bonds do get created as one partakes her journey of life. But most of the times this happens because a similarity in the perspectives of the mind – either due to similar cultural impact on the mind, or a similar genetic makeup of the physiology of the brain. But generally speaking such a deep mutual bond, love and faith is difficult to be created in general.
Given this dilemma of life, at max a person can do her part best to her knowledge – deriving happiness by using ones signature strengths every day in the main realms of living. At the same time, using these signature strengths to forward knowledge, power, or goodness, the person creates a meaning to her existence. All these are done without any expectation to win over anyone else’s affection.
Life becomes a solitary journey undertaken as an opportunity to learn, grow, explore and express. It becomes like an enterprise undertaken by Michelangelo – 12000 sq feet paintings on the ceiling of the Sistine chapel for 4 continuous years – no way bothered about what any art critic will opine about his art, when he is finished with it. Life becomes like a Mozart being in FLOW, working on his prodigious compositions least worried about how many applause will be conferred to him when he performs it on the stage.
Being in this steadfast journey using ones signature strengths, doing something one is proud of, at the same time leaving behind a legacy, with a work of beauty, creates a fulfilling life.
It might be worth keeping in perspective that one cannot force others love and understand oneself. But at least, the person can love others to extremes of her ability. This understanding might start with a person and her ways, but it transcends beyond her – to life’s purpose, vision, a meaning of existence – to probably life itself, or might be beyond life – to multiple lives – continuing through eternity.
Life therefore probably can be perceived as an endeavor of solitary engagement into something that adds to overall beauty of creation.
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