Some people (including me) are most of the times driven by what they call “unconditional love”. They do not practice that from the standpoint of freedom. Rather they are driven unconsciously to be unconditional. They force themselves into the space and lives of others, even when the other person does not need them. They neurotically are driven to “be of help”. They use the socially acceptable rationalizations presented in the phrases like, “being a means”, “being relevant”, “being a giver” to justify their precarious way of relating to the world.
From birth to death, they have the same repeating pattern – “being a saint”, to others. Going deep into the nature of such men, one is surprised to discover that there is a deep sense of lack in their inner psyche. They are vexed with “having” from others (actually from everyone in this world), an acknowledgement, love, respect, understanding, and above all – affirmation of who they are. This crops out from that deep seated inferiority complex, and lack of self. They do not know their own self worth, and who they are, and look for affirmation of the same from others. Even if they have an inkling of their self, they want to re-affirm the same by hearing it from others. This propensity of man is driven by the deep seated drive to “have”, rather to “be”. Such men are “takers”. It has been the biggest insight of my life to realize that I have been a person of this sort most of my life, till date. This insight cropped to me by myriad of my personal experiences, interactions with people in my world, books I have been reading, and contemplations I have been doing.
I have been reading and contemplating on the works of Erich Fromm, since last few months. I have been trying to be able to really go deep into the mind of Fromm, with help of his books – The art of loving, Fear of Freedom, and the one I am reading now – “Man for himself”. I also have been reading and listening to him over the internet from the archives. The most concrete synthesis of the personality type I have been discussing has been very succinctly postulated by Fromm in his book – “Man for himself – An inquiry into the psychology of ethics”, as follows. He calls such people – “Receptively Oriented”
“…They feel “the source of all good” to be outside, and believe that the only way to get what they want – be it material, be it affection, love, knowledge, pleasure – is to receive it from that of the outside source. In this orientation the problem of love is almost exclusively that of being loved and not that of loving. Such people tend to be indiscriminate in the choice of their love objects, because being loved by anybody is such an overwhelming experience for them they “fall for” anybody who gives them love or what looks like love. They are exceedingly sensitive to any withdrawal or rebuff they experience on the part of the loved person. Their orientation is the same in the sphere of thinking: if intelligent, they make the best listeners, since their orientation is one of receiving, not of producing. If religious, these people have a concept of God in which they expect everything from God and nothing from their own activity. If not religious, their relationship to person or institutions is very much the same, they are always in search of a “magic helper”. They show a particular kind of loyalty, at the bottom of which is the gratitude for the hand that feeds them and the fear of ever losing it. Since they need many hands to feel secure, they have to be loyal to numerous people. It is difficult for them to say “no”, and they are easily caught between conflicting loyalties and promises. Since they cannot say “no”, they love to say “yes” to everything and everybody, and the resulting paralysis of their critical abilities make them increasingly dependent on others.
This receptive type has great fondness for food and drink. These persons tend to overcome anxiety and depression by eating or drinking. The mouth is an especially prominent feature, often the most expressive one; the lips tend to be open, as of in a state of continuous expectation of being fed.
By and large, the outlook of people of this orientation is optimistic and friendly; they have a certain confidence in life and its gifts, but they become anxious and distraught when their “source of supply” is threatened. They often have a genuine warmth and a wish to help others, but doing things for others also assumes the function of securing their favor.”
Certainly the above postulation from Fromm is not a description of one person, rather a personality type. A human being is far more complex than one template of personality type. There are other aspects which synthesize together to give a unique nature to a person.
But, it was really very fulfilling for me to catch myself red handed. I have been always very proud of being “unconditional”. Of late I have been discovering that it is just a façade, inside which I have been hiding that longing to be “accepted” and be “loved”. This have been driving me to force myself to others, either rendering an un-solicited help, or over graciousness, showing of excessive concern for others, expressing forced solidarity with one and all. Obviously this propensity cuts across all the spheres of my life, and the way I relate to the outside world. In reality, there is need, this sense of poverty, always trying its best to get that signal of acknowledgement and affirmation of who I am, from the outside world.
Being brought up in an environment of a Roman Catholic mission school in childhood, I have been strongly influenced by the preaching of Jesus on unconditional love. I got this socially acceptable rationalization of “unconditional love” presented to me in childhood, to hide the weakness of my inner self. And the most interesting thing is that, it is all unconscious!
I am aware many people in my world have been feeling claustrophobic due to this peculiar drive in my personality. Nevertheless, it helps to build a false mask of being positive. Interestingly I have been getting awards for being the most positively oriented person in my department at work, for the last 3 years in succession. But it is now that I realize what is the source of my being so receptive and positive!
It is certainly important and highest of human virtues to be unconditional and loving to the world. But the whole philosophy crumbles down when it is just a farce, a façade hiding something else. The problem is when such high virtues are practiced being “driven” by these deep seated vulnerabilities – the aspects of under developed personalities – as in the case of mine. Such divine virtues has to be practiced from the firm foundation of being grounded in dharma, and no real need for the self.
This insight about my own self, has been a difficult and most excruciating process of last 10 years of my life. I always had an inkling to this, but was looking out for a concrete synthesis for the same, I guess. Thanks to the numerous books and people in my life, who have so genuinely contributed to me, enabling me to discover this weakness of my inner self.
This insight has helped me to understand the idea of spontaneous productive activity, that Fromm has been putting forth repeatedly in his various books, to overcome separateness. It is certain that man has to resolve his separateness with himself and his outer world – both other men, and nature. But the drive to resolve this separateness is not about forcing myself into the space of others, who really do not need me. That is the case of a typical sado-masochistic craving. Resolving separateness is not about closeness and intimacy with the object (man or nature), although at the expense of freedom and one’s own integrity. It is not about losing one’s own self, and being a doll of salt, dissolving in a bowl of water. That way the doll has been able to resolve its separateness with water. But, in this process has lost his real self – of being a doll. This never leads to happiness. A horse will be happy only to be the best horse. It will never want to be a tiger or a rabbit. It is important for man to realize that self integrity, and affirmation of one’s own uniqueness and individuality is of prime importance for man to find happiness and fulfillment.
When Fromm talks about resolving one’s separateness, he speaks about understanding the other. It is about entering into an inquiry, a state of concern, respect, objectivity, care, responsibility, and love. Love is the productive form of relatedness to others and to oneself. It implies responsibility, care, respect and knowledge, and the wish for the other person to grow and develop. It is the expression of intimacy between two human beings under the condition of preservation of each other’s integrity.
So, the process of resolving the separateness starts with preserving one’s own integrity, and at the same time integrity of the other. This will stop a man to force himself into the other, thereby dissolving his own integrity and expressing a ruthless attitude to swallow the other. This drive is often hidden in various socially acceptable ways - either being too nice to people, or showing extra care to others, or calling someone by loving names, though totally un-solicited! At core of all this, there is a deep seated sado-masochistic craving. The person expresses both sadism and masochism simultaneously.
A place of freedom would be resolving the separateness from the place of total understanding of the needs of the other. It is also about knowing someone at his core. It is about being able to really discern what is superficially apparent, and go in search of the truth about man and nature. This requires lot of productive orientation, contemplation, concern and vitality. Once that truth is found it is interesting so observe the unity in otherwise ostensive diversity prevalent in this world. The one-ness of the world overwhelms one in joy and pure bliss!
It is so true when H.P.Blavatsky mused in her book – The Voice of Silence –
“The biggest illusion of all is the illusion of separation”.
From birth to death, they have the same repeating pattern – “being a saint”, to others. Going deep into the nature of such men, one is surprised to discover that there is a deep sense of lack in their inner psyche. They are vexed with “having” from others (actually from everyone in this world), an acknowledgement, love, respect, understanding, and above all – affirmation of who they are. This crops out from that deep seated inferiority complex, and lack of self. They do not know their own self worth, and who they are, and look for affirmation of the same from others. Even if they have an inkling of their self, they want to re-affirm the same by hearing it from others. This propensity of man is driven by the deep seated drive to “have”, rather to “be”. Such men are “takers”. It has been the biggest insight of my life to realize that I have been a person of this sort most of my life, till date. This insight cropped to me by myriad of my personal experiences, interactions with people in my world, books I have been reading, and contemplations I have been doing.
I have been reading and contemplating on the works of Erich Fromm, since last few months. I have been trying to be able to really go deep into the mind of Fromm, with help of his books – The art of loving, Fear of Freedom, and the one I am reading now – “Man for himself”. I also have been reading and listening to him over the internet from the archives. The most concrete synthesis of the personality type I have been discussing has been very succinctly postulated by Fromm in his book – “Man for himself – An inquiry into the psychology of ethics”, as follows. He calls such people – “Receptively Oriented”
“…They feel “the source of all good” to be outside, and believe that the only way to get what they want – be it material, be it affection, love, knowledge, pleasure – is to receive it from that of the outside source. In this orientation the problem of love is almost exclusively that of being loved and not that of loving. Such people tend to be indiscriminate in the choice of their love objects, because being loved by anybody is such an overwhelming experience for them they “fall for” anybody who gives them love or what looks like love. They are exceedingly sensitive to any withdrawal or rebuff they experience on the part of the loved person. Their orientation is the same in the sphere of thinking: if intelligent, they make the best listeners, since their orientation is one of receiving, not of producing. If religious, these people have a concept of God in which they expect everything from God and nothing from their own activity. If not religious, their relationship to person or institutions is very much the same, they are always in search of a “magic helper”. They show a particular kind of loyalty, at the bottom of which is the gratitude for the hand that feeds them and the fear of ever losing it. Since they need many hands to feel secure, they have to be loyal to numerous people. It is difficult for them to say “no”, and they are easily caught between conflicting loyalties and promises. Since they cannot say “no”, they love to say “yes” to everything and everybody, and the resulting paralysis of their critical abilities make them increasingly dependent on others.
This receptive type has great fondness for food and drink. These persons tend to overcome anxiety and depression by eating or drinking. The mouth is an especially prominent feature, often the most expressive one; the lips tend to be open, as of in a state of continuous expectation of being fed.
By and large, the outlook of people of this orientation is optimistic and friendly; they have a certain confidence in life and its gifts, but they become anxious and distraught when their “source of supply” is threatened. They often have a genuine warmth and a wish to help others, but doing things for others also assumes the function of securing their favor.”
Certainly the above postulation from Fromm is not a description of one person, rather a personality type. A human being is far more complex than one template of personality type. There are other aspects which synthesize together to give a unique nature to a person.
But, it was really very fulfilling for me to catch myself red handed. I have been always very proud of being “unconditional”. Of late I have been discovering that it is just a façade, inside which I have been hiding that longing to be “accepted” and be “loved”. This have been driving me to force myself to others, either rendering an un-solicited help, or over graciousness, showing of excessive concern for others, expressing forced solidarity with one and all. Obviously this propensity cuts across all the spheres of my life, and the way I relate to the outside world. In reality, there is need, this sense of poverty, always trying its best to get that signal of acknowledgement and affirmation of who I am, from the outside world.
Being brought up in an environment of a Roman Catholic mission school in childhood, I have been strongly influenced by the preaching of Jesus on unconditional love. I got this socially acceptable rationalization of “unconditional love” presented to me in childhood, to hide the weakness of my inner self. And the most interesting thing is that, it is all unconscious!
I am aware many people in my world have been feeling claustrophobic due to this peculiar drive in my personality. Nevertheless, it helps to build a false mask of being positive. Interestingly I have been getting awards for being the most positively oriented person in my department at work, for the last 3 years in succession. But it is now that I realize what is the source of my being so receptive and positive!
It is certainly important and highest of human virtues to be unconditional and loving to the world. But the whole philosophy crumbles down when it is just a farce, a façade hiding something else. The problem is when such high virtues are practiced being “driven” by these deep seated vulnerabilities – the aspects of under developed personalities – as in the case of mine. Such divine virtues has to be practiced from the firm foundation of being grounded in dharma, and no real need for the self.
This insight about my own self, has been a difficult and most excruciating process of last 10 years of my life. I always had an inkling to this, but was looking out for a concrete synthesis for the same, I guess. Thanks to the numerous books and people in my life, who have so genuinely contributed to me, enabling me to discover this weakness of my inner self.
This insight has helped me to understand the idea of spontaneous productive activity, that Fromm has been putting forth repeatedly in his various books, to overcome separateness. It is certain that man has to resolve his separateness with himself and his outer world – both other men, and nature. But the drive to resolve this separateness is not about forcing myself into the space of others, who really do not need me. That is the case of a typical sado-masochistic craving. Resolving separateness is not about closeness and intimacy with the object (man or nature), although at the expense of freedom and one’s own integrity. It is not about losing one’s own self, and being a doll of salt, dissolving in a bowl of water. That way the doll has been able to resolve its separateness with water. But, in this process has lost his real self – of being a doll. This never leads to happiness. A horse will be happy only to be the best horse. It will never want to be a tiger or a rabbit. It is important for man to realize that self integrity, and affirmation of one’s own uniqueness and individuality is of prime importance for man to find happiness and fulfillment.
When Fromm talks about resolving one’s separateness, he speaks about understanding the other. It is about entering into an inquiry, a state of concern, respect, objectivity, care, responsibility, and love. Love is the productive form of relatedness to others and to oneself. It implies responsibility, care, respect and knowledge, and the wish for the other person to grow and develop. It is the expression of intimacy between two human beings under the condition of preservation of each other’s integrity.
So, the process of resolving the separateness starts with preserving one’s own integrity, and at the same time integrity of the other. This will stop a man to force himself into the other, thereby dissolving his own integrity and expressing a ruthless attitude to swallow the other. This drive is often hidden in various socially acceptable ways - either being too nice to people, or showing extra care to others, or calling someone by loving names, though totally un-solicited! At core of all this, there is a deep seated sado-masochistic craving. The person expresses both sadism and masochism simultaneously.
A place of freedom would be resolving the separateness from the place of total understanding of the needs of the other. It is also about knowing someone at his core. It is about being able to really discern what is superficially apparent, and go in search of the truth about man and nature. This requires lot of productive orientation, contemplation, concern and vitality. Once that truth is found it is interesting so observe the unity in otherwise ostensive diversity prevalent in this world. The one-ness of the world overwhelms one in joy and pure bliss!
It is so true when H.P.Blavatsky mused in her book – The Voice of Silence –
“The biggest illusion of all is the illusion of separation”.
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